I am STRONG

When I started this blog 10 years ago I wanted to use it as a journal (that I have put into books) to show Gavin one day. I usually tread on the side of caution to not share to much of his inner struggles. I don't want him to look back one day and say "wow thanks mom for telling everyone my business." But this, this is really something I have to let out. Sometimes writing out my thoughts just makes me feel better. 

Yesterday afternoon was not fun. Gavin and I were sitting at the table working on some school work and talking. Adam and Brody had gone to the grocery store... Gavin stopped what he was doing and started to cry. "Why can't I just have a normal heart? Why can't I be like everyone else? Why me? Why did God do this to me?" I sat there, frozen, words would not come to my mouth. Then it hit me, a river of tears poured from my eyes, I sobbed like a baby. Most of you that know me, know I am not a crier. Then there are a few of you that have had to hold me like a baby while I let it out. I have always wanted to be strong for Gavin and never let him see that I am sad about his situation. But yesterday, I realized... it's OK to cry, it's OK to show my son that I am struggling with this too. I think it completely shocked him. We sat there and hugged and cried together. It was a powerful moment for the both of us. 

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10. Like Paul, I want to be strong in my weakness. I wish so badly, I had all the answers for Gavin. But I don't. One thing I do know is that we can't do this alone. We have to trust in Gods plan for our life and to use it to glorify Him, no matter what! 

A month ago, I went over to stay with Adams grandmother so Adams mom could go to OKC. Sitting there I picked up the Christian chronicle and found a post about a book called "I Am STRONG" by John S. Dickerson. I decided it looked like a good read and ordered it on amazon. And just like that, it was like God was preparing me for what was to come. Every word I read has been timely and comforting. 

Later on, I was able to gather my thoughts and remind Gavin that He is a child of God and just like everyone else He has a purpose to fulfil on this earth. That God has plans for him, not to harm him. He is loved by God and by many. And that in his almost 10 years of life he has touched more lives than I ever could. He has literally brought people to Jesus. And I have emails and messages to prove it. "God knows your pain. And He does have plans, as you trust in Him, to fully heal you of your pain, to fully restore you and redeem whatever you have lost. Until then, you can journey toward His strength with great hope. With each step forward, we trade our limits for His limitless; we trade our inability for His capability; we exchange our pain for His healing, our weakness for heaven's strength." -John S. Dickerson